Eight NFL Things We Want to See Happen That Won’t Happen

Aaron Rodgers to the 49ers. A Dan Campbell inspirational OnlyFans account. Roger Goodell ripping refs. Let’s go!

The NFL offseason is here. Our Sundays have opened up. And it’s that time of the year where we football fans feel a little empty inside. 

So while we sit here and think about how good we had it over the last five and a half months and gear up for NFL mock draft season, let’s have some fun and look at eight things we’d love to see happen this offseason that have zero chance at all of happening this offseason.

It’s more than OK to day dream and we’re going to do exactly that right here. 

1. Aaron Rodgers joins the 49ers. 

Let’s start off with a big one, shall we? Can this happen? No. No way. I think you’d have a better chance of getting a hole-in-one in every round of golf you played during the NFL offseason than we’d have of seeing Rodgers suiting up for the 49ers but it would be pretty darn fun watching him run Kyle Shanahan’s offense for a season. San Francisco would automatically become the Super Bowl favorites and it could set up an epic QB matchup in Las Vegas next February with Rodgers going against one of the young studs from the AFC. 

2. Tom Brady returns and joins… the Patriots. 

I mean, the goal here in this page is to get nuts and I think I just accomplished that. Brady has retired (to the world of thirst traps) again and says this time it’s for good. So far I believe him but I did the same thing last year and then on Selection Sunday he decided to hop back into the league and give it another go. If he does that again this year it would be phenomenal if Robert Kraft and Bill Belichick blacked out for a moment and put all logical thoughts aside and said “LET’S BRING THE BAND BACK TOGETHER FOR ONE MORE RUN.” Mac Jones would hate it but you know what – Mac Jones could sit on the sideline and learn some things from the GOAT. 

3. The Bears keep the No. 1 pick and select a QB.

Chicago is likely going to trade the No. 1 pick in this year’s draft and get a lot in return for doing so. It’s the smart move for them to make. But this is the Bears and the smart move isn’t always the thing they like to do. So let’s root for chaos here because chaos is fun.

4. The Bears trade Justin Fields to the Dolphins. 

After deciding to take a QB with the first pick the Bears decide to trade Fields and send him to the Dolphins. Fields with Mike McDaniel’s offense would be all the fun in the world. Teaming Fields with Tyreek Hill and Jaylen Waddle would be some of the most exciting football we’d ever see. Fields would immediately jump into the MVP conversation because a monster year throwing the ball and running the ball would be pretty much a guarantee for the phenomenal second-year QB. Again, this is a dream and as we know dreams rarely come true but you gotta keep dreaming. 

5. The Dallas Cowboys fire Mike McCarthy and hire Eric Bieniemy. 

Jerry Jones has said McCarthy’s job is not in jeopardy at all but you know what? It should be. The Cowboys had their 2022 season come to an end in the divisional round with a brutal loss to the 49ers that had everyone laughing at their final play call. Bieniemy’s stock has never been higher and it’s a joke that no team has made him a head coach yet. He’s done amazing things with Patrick Mahomes and Co., he has two Super Bowl rings in the last four years, and he could be exactly what Dak Prescott needs to go to the next level. 

6. The Eagles fleece another team for their star receiver and build a super offense. 

Last year the Eagles basically stole A.J. Brown from the Titans and took one of the best offenses to the Super Bowl. I don’t know who they could grab this year but I’d be all for Howie Roseman finding another way to add a huge name to the team’s receiving group, which would only make Jalen Hurts look even more awesome than he looked all year in leading Philadelphia to Arizona. 

7. Dan Campbell starts an OnlyFans account where he offers morning pep talks for fans.

First off, get your mind out of the gutter here. Second off, the Lions coach has an incredible way with words and you know what? I miss him. I miss the Dan Campbell press conferences and locker room speeches and everything that is about this man who came so close to leading the Lions to the playoffs this past season. So here’s what I’d love to see happen – Campbell starts a side business on OnlyFans (again, mind out of the gutter) where you pay a monthly fee and each morning on your phone you get a new pep talk from Campbell that helps jump-start your day. Imagine hearing him yelling at you about getting out there and biting somebody’s kneecap off? You wouldn’t need that third cup of coffee! 

8. Roger Goodell admits the NFL refs stink and makes them full-time employees so they can put all of their effort into the big jobs that they have. 

The NFL commissioner said a few days before Super Bowl LVII that the refs have never been better and, well, yeah that was another lie told by the league’s soulless boss. It’s time for Goodell to be honest with the fans that invest so much time and money into the NFL and it’s time for the refs to not have to have other jobs besides being refs to pay their bills. It’s time, Roger. Step to the plate and make it happen.